Grinding Gears: Researchers Discover Connection Between Narcissism and High Jewellery Watches

A breakthrough in the scientific community came in the unlikeliest of places recently. While on an off-season vacation in Monaco in 2019 (just prior to the COVID-19 pandemic being announced globally), a German neuroscientist by the name of Dr. (name redacted for legal purposes) happened to have been browsing the (brand name redacted for legal purposes) high jewellery and watch boutique and noticed something peculiar about the shop’s clearly recognizable, and blatantly “adjusted” returning customers: each was skilled in the art of the selfie, each was using the Facetune app on their phone, and each continuously asked salespeople for a handheld mirror.

Dr. (she who shall not be named), who had been working on research for the newest DSM list, immediately thought to delve deeper into the high-jewellery watch/narcissism connection, so for the two years that followed her stint in Monte Carlo (which she clearly didn’t find narcissistic at all – not that we’re judging), she gathered a team of researchers from countries known for their role in creating high jewellery watches.

From France, where mega high-end luxury watch brands like (name redacted) and (name yet again redacted) are headquartered, came a mix of both horologists and neuroscientists. Well-known French watchmaker, (you guessed it… name redacted!) joined forces with world renowned neuroscientists (naaaaaammmmmme reeeeedaaaaaaaacteddddd) and (oh my gosh are you tired of the redacted names yet?) in order to research these potentially narcissistic/horologic findings. In the process, they were able to bring in neurological experts from Switzerland like, Dr. Christian Müller (who isn’t even a real guy but we looked up the most popular names in Switzerland and used this one because the real doctors didn’t want their names mentioned) and Dr. Fakey McSwissydude (if you haven’t gotten the point yet that we can’t name real people, you seriously need help, fam).

It was determined, albeit not by a majority vote, that the DSM-6, which is still up for debate and may be introduced to the public by 2023, may indeed include those who own, collect, are interested in, or repost images of high jewellery timepieces simply because those who – as seen by the watch world – must have something wrong with them, mentally. As the watch world sees it, “Who in their right mind would spend that kind of money on a gem set timepiece?” But as the scientific world sees it, “We now have an easier way to attract narcissism.”